Do your kids talk to you? 
If something happened – some kind of crisis where your teenage child experienced something that could cause a crisis, would your son or daughter come to you?
In a recent survey conducted among America’s 13-15 year olds, almost half (47%) of the teens surveyed said they would turn first to their friends for help, rather than their parents.
In fact, teens are three times more likely to consult friends over parents when the crisis involves experiencing physical and sexual assault, bullying, drugs or alcohol.
Half (53%) of the early teens surveyed agreed that, “The most important people to trust in a crisis are your parents.” Yet, nearly four out of ten teens (38%) claimed that they would be uncomfortable raising a difficult topic with their parents.
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Teens think…
The Parents Teens Trust Are Calm, Confident and Clear.
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E = Explore problem
A = Assure support
C = Create choices
E = Encourage action
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Prepare ahead |
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Admit what you don’t know or haven’t done. The best way to help your teen when a crisis occurs is to develop a relationship built on trust now. If you have not been close to your teen, tell him so; that you’ve been thinking about it, and you want to be closer. |
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Discuss how you would like to talk about a problem. Ask your teen how he or she would like to talk about a problem. Say, “If you had something difficult you wanted to tell me, how do you want me to respond?” Agree together how to talk, listen and make decisions. |
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When a crisis occurs, take five minutes before talking. When an issue arises, take five minutes to prepare. Go to a quiet place to settle your nerves and focus attention, e.g., wash your face with cold water; pray; breathe intentionally slowly and deeply; or verbally tell yourself to be calm, confident and clear. Review the P.E.A.C.E. steps quickly. Then meet your teen in a comfortable, private setting. |
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Explore Problem Exploring the problem means asking questions and withholding advice or judgment. Your goal is to validate feelings, clarify events and define issues. This happens best as you ask, listen, repeat back and summarize a question. Make mental notes about events (what actually happened) and feelings (why). |
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Ask simple, non-judgmental questions |
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Listen for events and behavior – what happened? when? where” and why? |
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Continue to ask questions to clarify events and feelings |
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Repeat back feelings, It sounds as if you felt scared when …” |
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Summarize with a question: “So let’s see if I understand. I hear you are saying that (who or what) caused (event) to happen and now your are feeling (emotion). Is that right?” |
 Having identified what the problem is, the next step is to assure your teen that everything will work out. Tell your teen your are confident of this because you love her, you believe in her and you know that she will discover and do whatever is best. Assure her that you want to help and will stand by her side. |
 Helping your teen find the right solution is a value-driven discovery process where the teen describes the outcome, ownership and options for the problem. |
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Outcome: Ask your teen to describe the results of the event or problem. What does he or she see? Who has been hurt? What is the greatest value lost? (safety, trust, love or power). |
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Ownership: Ask your teen how much of the problem he or she feels responsible for. |
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Options: Ask your teen for several ideas, options and choices for how the problem could be solved. What would it look like to resolve the problem or to restore safety, trust love or power? What have other kids done in similar circumstances? (For great examples and advice, encourage your teen to log onto www.TeenCentral.Net -- an Internet site you can be trusted for helping kids feel that they are not alone.) |
 Instill hope for change by encouraging your teen to act on his ideas. Respect his ability to decide and act on his own. If he asks you what to do, validate his feelings, bolster his ability to find resources to help make the decision and ask him what he thinks he should do, i.e., “It is scary to correct a mistake, and sometimes it is hard to know exactly what to do. Maybe (book, expert, resource) has a suggestion. What do you think you should do?” If the problem acquires action, authority or discipline from the parent, state the responsibilities and reasons for action clearly and offer options for how to resolve the crisis. The key to building trustful communication with your teen is to remain open and honest, truthful and loving. If you treat your teen with dignity and respect, your teen will learn to trust you and act responsibly. To help your teen through crisis, practice P.E.A.C.E. – prepare, explore, assure, create and encourage. |
Founded in 1882, KidsPeace is dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, preadolescents, teens and young adults, offering a comprehensive range of residential treatment programs; accredited educational services, and a variety of foster care and community-based programs to give hope, help and healing to children, families and communities. KidsPeace offers services in Georgia, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Nevada, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Virginia and the District of Columbia.
Since 1998, TeenCentral.Net has helped its more than 560,000 members with advice from Master’s and PhD level counselors, celebrity stories about the difficulty they experienced during their teens, reading recommendations, news, podcasts and informational pages on domestic violence, smoking cessation and weight awareness. ParentCentral.Net provides the same types of information and assistance to parents as TeenCentral.Net does to teens.
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Schnecksville, PA 18078
